Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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