and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
