i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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