i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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