it wasn't lemon gatorade
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
