maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
