My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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