The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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