from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you will always have a special place in my vag
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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