I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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