I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
