You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
