So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
