Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
