Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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