New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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