and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
