Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
