The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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