happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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