She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
