I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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