1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
