Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my being single is dangerous.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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