Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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