ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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