I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
