is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
