like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
