She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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