Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
