Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
