i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
