College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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