I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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