i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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