I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
