I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
