Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
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These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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