Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
