I wish my penis had an off switch
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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