she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
