stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
