so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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