Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
