had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
