Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
