You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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