this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
