Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
