Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
