and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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