btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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