Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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