did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
