ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
