Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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