I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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