You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
