whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
