i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
