It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
